On FFGs

After watching Twilight last night at midnight (which I will update you on shortly), the official FFG look is confirmed. For those of you who have never encountered an FFG, here's a little guide:

[You might think this is rude/extreme generalizing, and you're right, it is. But think of it like racism - if someone is being racist about their own race, that's okay right? And since I am clearly an FFG, no p, kiddo.]

1) Looks: The main thing about the FFG is that she is plain and unremarkable, which is why she has to live vicariously through Bella Cullen and Paramore and Hot Topic. This is why most FFGs have brown hair and brown eyes. Or at best, a dirty blonde. Alternatively, some kind of bright, dyed shade to mask the FFG bleh (see Osbourne, Kelly). The FFG is probably pretty pale, from living with minimal exercise and hiding in her room reading. For the same reasons, she can be sized anywhere from 0-100, but is never toned.

2) Fashion: This varies, depending on age and how rebellious she is feeling. Generally, she wears plain one-colour things, like jeans and a t-shirt. But since the FFG clearly craves attention, she lusts after Hot Topic punk, and might indulge in the occasional bow hair pin. The FFG may take outfit queues from books/music/tv that is a la mode, dressing as the main character does.

2a) OR if it is a really special occasion, such as a concert or the opening night of a FFG approved movie, she will don a 'band' shirt. By band, I also mean movies/books/whatever that the FFG is supporting. This band shirt is often slightly too small/ill fitting, clinging uncomfortably over the chesticles/love handles/arm fats/bra bulge. One mystery I have yet to solve: does the FFG like that all the other FFGs have the same shirt, or hate it? Is it like finding a kindred spirit or like going to prom and seeing some other slut in your dress?

3) Hobbies: There are a few types of FFGs, and hybrids. The music FFGs adore trolling iTunes for emo music and dreaming that the emo boy singing is in fact singing about her and how she broke his heart. The book FFGs enjoy reading young adult book series that star a (skinny) FFG and the devastatingly handsome boy who falls in love with her for no reason other than her sheer charm and wit. The movie/tv series ones do the same thing, except they watch them. All FFGs then proceed to log on to the internet and read/write fanfic and post comments on fan pages and try and get themselves prominent enough in the FFG world that they become minor celebrities. That is the ultimate goal. (See Meyer, Stephenie and Bella Cullen Project, The)

3a) Hobbies (no event available): The FFG likes anything to do with magic and fate, because you know that's the only way she'll snag her handsome handsome man who is sooo much better than the stupid boys who go to her high school and have crushes on the stupid cheerleaders. Anyway, this includes things like astrology, mythology, and fortune telling.

4) Ambition: I'm sure there are lots of noble FFG ambitions, but the real dream is to become an author and get to make an FFG movie about your own book where you can choose the dreamboat that falls in love with you... er, the heroine of the book. Next best is to be such a huge fan that you get to interview an FFG idol, go to a premiere/concert for free, or at least write such awesome fanfiction that you get a few FFGs of your own. Uh, the real dream being that the FFG idol spots you in the crowd and speaks to you, and you utter such a memorable line that he immediately whisks you off into his Hollywood life and you can write a novel about it and... it's a never ending cycle. At the very least, an FFG would like to rise above the FFGdom and be BFF to some FFDidols. God, that got complicated.

5) Habitat: The FFG can oft be found loitering around CD or bookstores, sometimes libraries. On weekends, they may be found in clusters. To find them en masse, check out the FFG events, as listed earlier (special occasion where one might where a band shirt).

6) Patron Saints: Bella Cullen, the chick from Paramore, Liz from Roswell, Cho Chang... it's an endless list.

7) Queen of the FFGs: Stephenie Meyer

Happy Hunting!