The best thing about being an assistant - an assistant to the big boss, too - is being the gatekeeper of the Christmas offerings. So far, I have pilfered:
- Box of peppermint bark
- Bouquet of flowers
- Basket, Rose's sweetened lime juice and bottle of Sour Apple Pucker schnapps
Yes, it is exactly like Devil Wears Prada, but without the designer bags / products.
Surprisingly, it's not McDreamy.
Here's a clue:
Anyway, esoteric seems to describe my ultimate Christmas wish. The other stuff is just cuckoo bananas items, business as usual. (Isn't the phrase cuckoo bananas just great? I picked it up from Degrassi a while ago and have only now resurrected it.) This Christmas List was done at the request of my darling Choops, but anyone else who wants to give me presents is welcome to. That's YOU, NB!
(Speaking of NB and presents, he did a wonderful job of getting me the microplane for our 2 year anniversary present. All the TV chefs have one, so of course, I believed that it was the only thing standing between me and great zest.)
The regular stuff first:
1. 2010 planner
I need a planner, because now that I am a grown up, I plan on 'doing drinks' and 'getting together' after 'checking my schedule' . And while the computer is all well and good, it is not as fun. I also associate it too closely with work.
Here are my requirements:
- Small-ish, and light. Must fit in my purse.
- Cute. Must not be embarrassed to take it out in public.
- Of good quality paper. Must be able to withstand personalization with highlighters and other office supplies.
- Must open to the spine (eg. spiral binding). I am left handed and if it doesn't open all the way it's realllly hard to write.
Inspiration: Here, and here, and here, and here. All are somewhat lacking.
(The picture is from Red Velvet Art - their stuff is sooo cute, especially the underpants. But no planners :( )
2. Feather skirt
Requirements:
- A wearable colour. There is a hot pink one floating around the internet that I am not digging.
- A fun length. And by fun, I mean short. Not like teeny tiny, but you know, not matronly.
- This would also be acceptable in dress form, if the top of the dress is cute too.
(I am a medium, or size 12 uk, 6 us)
3. Rain boots
Granted, it rains maybe 3 days a year in LA. But boy, on those 3 days, I always wish I had Wish William's Wellingtons.
There was a pair from the Gap that I loooved a couple of years ago, navy with a pink trim. All gone now.
Requirements:
- Cute (duh)
- Not too colourful. I need to be able to wear this with whatever outfits, and probably my polkadot raincoat.
(I am a size 8 1/2 us... 39 eur... I think uk 7 1/2? I used to be 8 but my feet have been shrinking...)
Speaking of boots...
4. Motorcycle boots
So, my beloved brown Payless boots have a hole in the zip from four years of loving, a million spilt drinks and one winter of sledding (Yes, I went sledding in heels. The were wonderful ice picks). These Pradas would be an excellent replacement. (I also have my over the knee black Victoria's secret boots, but they are pretty whorish and not entirely work appropriate, and also, they make my feet feel a 19th C Chinese woman with bound feet... and a computer...)
Requirements:
- None, kind of. I mean, black or brown. Heel, or none. Knee-high or mid-calf. (Er, not ankle though. And mid-calf might look cankly, but I am open to your good taste).
5. Rolling pin
Other things that are always welcome:
Costume jewelry (or real, that's cool too), accessories (hats, scarves, gloves, over-the-knee socks, leggings, arm warmers, sunnies, umbrellas, weird hair things), clothing basics (cardigans, basic tees and tanks), kitchen things (fun cookie cutters, cook books, pie tins, weird shaped cake pans, holiday sprinkles, pretty jars for sugars and flours, cake stands).
And now, it's time for... the Ultimate Christmas Wish:
To be a Portland Housewife.
Let me explain. Portland housewives don't have to be from Portland, but they generally are, because that's where all the cool kids are from. They stay at home all day and bake and craft with their young children, then blog about it. They crochet and make cute stuffed animals out of felt and play dress up and have herb gardens. They shop at farmer's markets. They buy handmade. They go thrifting. They loiter around Etsy.
My first experience with the Portland Housewife was Amy Karol, and I believe she is actually a Portland Housewife. Then the Bluebird Vintage girl, who has a child and is crafty cool so qualifies, then the Red Velvet Girls and now I am just swamped with blogs to envy and projects to wish I was doing.
Anyway, seeing as I actually like my job (other than the whole waking up and having to work thing), and really only want to dabble in Portland Housewivery for now (although, in 5 years, I will be all over that shizz), I would like to craft more.
So what I need for that is: Patterns. A sewing machine. Books. Someone to teach me to knit. Someone to teach me to crochet. Cool wools. Cool fabrics. Needles. Buttons. Stamps. Inks. Funny-shaped hole punchers. Ribbons. Cute papers. A wicker basket to keep them all in.
Any contributions would be welcome.
-Recently I’ve been running into a perplexing breed – girls still dating their boyfriends from college. You know how this generally works: they’ve been dating on again off again since sophomore year, he cheated on her, she takes him back, they took some time off after graduation but now they’re back together because she can’t be alone, it’ll never work out long-term but it’s convenient for now, blah, blah, blah. Ladies, guys, it’s time to move on – free up some ass for the rest of us.
-Another strain of female I have learned to be wary of is the girl who has no girl friends. Advantages: tends to party harder than your standard chick, more likely to let you spend time doing guy things (i.e. playing video games and watching PTI on ESPN). Disadvantages: doesn’t bring out other hot chicks for your friends, more likely to be surrounded by dudes at all times. Conclusion: definitely a keeper, just watch out for that old college boyfriend of hers.
My first peppermint mocha of the season. Nom nom nom.
Also, 99c Advent Calendars from Trader Joes! Whee!
(I don't know why it comes up sideways. It's fine on my computer. Stupid)
Here is my HouseElf, aka NB, leaving photos of himself on my phone.
Having a HouseElf is useful because they do things like:
Laundry/Making the bed
(Uh, yes, my room is a hot mess)
Putting up pictures on wall.
As you can see, my HouseElf is not trained in uncrookeding pictures, so he artfully decided to stagger them.
He also does dishes and bathrooms.
The End.
For my darlings abroad / who don't watch TV, here is a bump it. Yes, it is the most hilarious invention since the Snuggie (now available for dogs). I know a girl who has one, and it actually looked ok.
I DIY'd a bumpit the other night out of one third of a paper towel roll. On the third attempt, it looked pretty great. But definitely could not go out knowing there was a recycled cardboard tube giving my hair its body. Because it would probably fall out.
This is me playing with photobooth at work. I chose the thermal effect because then you can't see how deathly grey my skin is in natural light. Instead, you can see how oily my nose is.
Anyway, note that I am wearing a headband. Most days I have to wear a headband, or hair pins, or have it up, or back comb it, or have it curled... So I can look like this:
Which I do, if I just brush my hair and do nothing else. Am seriously contemplating investing in a Bump It, so as not to have to spend so much time / stolen hair products on back combing. Not sure if I could suffer through the humiliation.
Thoughts?
A few years ago, there was a PSA in Singapore that encouraged looking away from your computer every 45 min and out to some greenery in the distance. It's meant to rest your eyes or some balls. The only window I can see from my desk is behind me and all I can see through that is a wall. Solution:
My daddy bought me a bonzai tree and book on bonzai care for either xmas or my birthday quite some years ago. At the time, I was like whytf would you think a teenaged girl would want this small tree thing over something like say a bottle of tequila? The maid took care of the tree for a while, then she left and it died and the next maid used its little pot to grow some other crap in it.
When my eyes started to ache after two hours of being a working woman, I remembered both the PSA and the bonzai incident. Taking advantage of my papa's fondness for buying me doodads, I requested another bonzai and he obliged. My theory is this: When you look out a window into the distant trees, they seem very small. Perhaps I could just have a very small tree placed closer, to give the illusion of large trees in the distance.
One problem: Small pumpkin has been displaced and now sits sadly on a pile of scripts.
My tropical chutney or whatever from Bath and Bodyworks has been running down, and as I said, NB has very smelly farts, so I decided I needed to invest in a new candle. I only like citrussy ones, don't ask, just personal preference. This is 'Goji & Tarocco Orange' by Voluspa and it smelt quite delicious, but now that I have it lit I can barely smell it at all.
Still, at least it is brightening up my lonely office and keeping my mini pumpkin company. When is the appropriate time to throw away a mini pumpkin? Should I keep it through Thanksgiving? It doesn't seem to be rotting yet.
*Update -- two coworkers have said that my office smells rocking the stockings so I guess it's just my nose. *
And by poor people, I really mean lower middle class. And starving college students. And um, people hit by the depression, and general depression. Because being poor makes you depressed (don't deny it, money can't by happiness but it can by lots of things that combat unhappiness, like cable tv, chocolate and pedicures) and being depressed makes you want to eat comfort food. And comfort food is fatty food.
But I'm not even talking what you crave. I'm talking what you can afford. With less money, you are just destined to either starve or eat badly.
First, eating out. Fast food is like zero dollars for something fattening and delish, like a double cheeseburger for $1.20 or something. The tacobell menu is also amazing and generally under $2 for pretty much anything. In comparison, a salad at a fast food place is like $4. Why the eff would you buy a salad at a fast food place, you ask? Fair enough. A regular deli has sandwiches and salads for $6 plus plus plus depending on where you go. So obvi, fast food wins.
But then, everyone knows that to save money you must eat at home. Fine. Let's go grocery shopping. I'm not even going to LOOK at the organic food and free range beef, because that is waay out of the budge. I am talking simple matters of veg vs carb, fresh vs preserved. A head of cauliflower is over $3, a pack of mushrooms is like $2, 2 leeks is again over $3... which isn't a LOT of money... but an ENTIRE bag of potatoes? 99c. Frozen vegetables are way cheaper and last longer. But the best: Ramen (slash instant noodly yummy nom noms) is 20c a packet. How can you beat that? Seriously healthy food, HOW?
MSG doused carbs are clearly the way to go here.
Just a little friendly rant. Your thoughts?
Girl: And he is like 35... and I was like, oh my God, you are old enough to be my dad!
Friend: Not really. How old was your dad when you were born? 15?
J'adore listening to people out of context. I assume this 35 year old was trying to date her.
I really really really want a hedgehog. I was going to get one in Portland, because apparently they are illegal in CA. However, it turns out they are in the price range of $75-$300, rather than the $10-$25 that I had been expecting.
Why do I want a hedgehog?
a) They are so cute.
b) They are not as expensive or high maintenance as dogs/chinchillas.
c) They eat spiders, of which I have many.
So please buy me a hedgehog.
Is it called eavesdropping for an online conversation? Because.... it's like listening. With your eyes. Eyedropping? Ah, eavesdropping has nothing to do with ears, apparently. Learn something new everyday.
Anyway, girl next to me in production design yesterday:
Friend: Yes, always leave them wanting.
She: Especially if I want him to take me on his weekend away fiasco.
(I might have the words wrong, but you get the gist)
And later:
She: Grrrrr... I want the boy!!!!
Bahah. This made me so happy. The story in my mind was that she didn't stay over at some boys house (presumably a frat boy) despite wanting to, because no one wants to buy the cow if you're giving the milk away for free, right? (Buying the Cow has been on TV a lot as of late. Before, I would have used 'no one wants to buy the ice cream truck when you're giving the popsicles away for free' from Never Been Kissed) So obvs she didn't stay over because she wants to lure him in and trap him into taking him away on the big away weekend invite. I can almost guarantee that.I've decided not to be all cryptic with my name, seeing as I've mentioned it before. Plus, it's not like it's not the 3rd most common girls name of the 1990s.
1. Go to Google and type your name likes to in quotes (ex. "Meghan likes to")
2. Report back on the first 10 results
3. Be sure to paste the directions at the top
(I got a lot of 'dance' so I skipped the repeats)
1. Amanda likes to distract herself with silliness
2. Amanda likes to write
3. Amanda likes to dance
4. Amanda likes to do it in her community
5. Amanda likes to meme (?!?!?!)
6. Amanda likes to party
7. Amanda likes to poop (baha)
8. Amanda likes to photograph in a non traditional environment
9. Amanda likes to sing, dance and act
10. Amanda likes to manage dump cycles
And no 11, because it's so good: Amanda likes to drink.
Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.
1. What is your name : A***** (if you don't know my name...you don't need to)
2. A four Letter Word : Arms
3. A boy's Name : Adam
4. A girl's Name : Alexandra
5. An occupation : Assistant
6. A colour : Aquamarine
7. Something you'll wear : Armor
9. A food : Aubergine
10. Something found in the bathroom: Ants
11. A place : Amsterdam
12. A reason for being late :
13. Something you'd shout : AAHCHOO!
14. A movie title : Apocalypse Now
15. Something you drink : Alc. Duh. Come on.
16. A musical group: A1. A Teens. I can't decide which to pick.
17. An animal: Anteater
18. A street name : Alameda
19. A type of car : Audi
20. The title of a song : Anything For You (you know that I'd go anywhere, for your smile, anywhere... Oliver Twist)
When work is slow I oft find myself perusing people's notes on facebook. Sometimes I get bummed that no one has tagged me in them so I don't have an excuse to continue the chain (case in point: 25 things, and also those Mr Men pictures going around). Today, I have decided to just blog some. Take initiative and all that.
This one is from a girl from secondary school : The BBC reckons most people will have only read 6 out of the 100 books here.
Instructions:
1) Look at the list and put an 'x' for those you have read.
2) Star (*) those you plan on reading.
3) Hex (#) those you've never finished
4) Tally your total at the bottom.
5) Put in a note with your total in the subject
(and because I'm special, I am going to put a % for the ones I've seen the film version of)
1 (#%) Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (I read the abridged v in pri 6. To this day, I maintain that I hate J.A)
2 (X %) The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 (X ) Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 (X %) Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 () To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 (#) The Bible
7 (X %) Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte (has anyone else seen the AWFUL MTV version???)
8 () Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 (X %) His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman (<3)
10 (# % ) Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
Pitstop Count: (X) - 5, (*) - , (#) - 3, (%) - 6
11 (X % ) Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 ( %) Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 () Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 (#) Complete Works of Shakespeare (Just the ones we did in school...JC, A&C, O, Merch of Venice. And I saw Titus and R&J)
15 (* ) Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 ( X) The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (maybe.. since i've read the others)
17 ( ) Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 () Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 (X) The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 ( #) Middlemarch - George Eliot
Pitstop Count: (X) - 3, (*) - 1, (#) - 2, (%) - 2
21 ( X %) Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 ( X ) The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 ( ) Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 ( # ) War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 () The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 ( * ) Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 ( ) Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 ( ) Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 ( X %) Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carrol
30 ( % ) The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
Pitstop Count: (X) - 3, (*) - 1, (#) - 1, (%) - 3
31 (* %) Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 ( ) David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 (X %) Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 ( ) Emma - Jane Austen
35 ( ) Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 ( X %) The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (How IS this not under Narnia? - I didn't write that, but I agree)
37 ( X) The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 ( ) Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 ( X %) Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 (X %) Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
Pitstop Count: (X) - 5, (*) - 1, (#) -, (%) - 5
41 () Animal Farm - George Orwell (saw the play)
42 (X %) The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 ( ) One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 ( ) A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 ( ) The Woman in White - Wilkie Collin (saw the musical)
46 (X %) Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 ( ) Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 ( *) The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 () Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 (#%) Atonement - Ian McEwan
Pitstop Count: (X) - 2 , (*) - 1, (#) - 1, (%) - 3
51 ( *) Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 (X %) Dune - Frank Herbert (well, I saw Children of Dune. OW OW JAMES!)
53 ( ) Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 ( ) Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 ( #) A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 ( ) The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 (#) A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (abridged version again)
58 (X) Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 (X) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
60 ( ) Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez Pitstop (does it count if I wanted to see the movie?)
Count: (X) - 3, (*) - 1, (#) - 2, (%) - 1
61 ( * ) Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 (X %) Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 ( ) The Secret History - Donna Tart
64 ( X) The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 (% ) Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 ( #) On The Road - Jack Kerouac (reading it right now! bought it for NB but really so I could read it)
67 ( ) Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 ( % ) Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 ( *) Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 () Moby Dick - Herman Melville Pitstop
Count: (X) - 2, (*) - 2, (#) - 1, (%) - 3
71 ( %) Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 (# %) Dracula - Bram Stoker (abriiiidged... man I had a lot of abridged classics as a kid)
73 (X % ) The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 ( ) Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson (they have this at my mum's shop)
75 ( ) Ulysses - James Joyce
76 (*) The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 ( X %) Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome (and then I made myself a bow and arrow)
78 ( ) Germinal - Emile Zola
79 ( # %) Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 ( ) Possession - AS Byatt Pitstop
Count: (X) - 2, (*) - 1, (#) - 2, (%) - 5
81 ( X %) A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens (did you guess abridged?)
82 () Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 () The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 ( ) The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 ( X ) Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 ( ) A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 (X) Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 (* ) The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 () Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (No, but I WROTE a spoof, that should count)
90 ( ) The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
Pitstop Count: (X) - 3, (*) - 1, (#) -, (%) - 1
91 () Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 ( X ) The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint Exupery
93 ( ) The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 ( X% ) Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 ( ) A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 ( ) A Town Like Alice - Neil Shute
97 ( #% ) The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 () Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 ( X %) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 ( ) Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (saw the musical!)
Pitstop Count: (X) - 3, (*) - , (#) - 1, (%) - 2
Total: (X) - 31, (*) - 9, (#) - 13, (%) - 32
I'm pretty proud of my numbers. I mean, generally, I've read most of the things that I want to read. And the ones that I never finished... usually means that I got bored half way. Sometimes I might have been a little young at the time I attempted to read them (Like A Suitable Boy and Atonement) It's a little embarrassing that I've seen more movie versions than read the books, but I am looking into Hollywood, so I guess that's okay.
Now you try.
Sorry for the long hiatus, for those who care. I had trojans. It was kind of fun because when I googled stuff whatever I clicked on would turn out to be an ad page, even wiki. But then I couldn't use email or facebook, and that was lame. So NB re-whatsitsed everything on my computer for me, and then I didn't have office, or flash, or PDF reader... whatever, it's all good now.
Onwards!
Doodguysforsrs, I think I might have a real live reader. You know, someone who isn't Rona/Sonia/Nick/Alex/Su/Adelle/Bev/Drei. I have just knocked my readership into 9! Score.
I know it's lame to be so excited, but I got the first comment in like, 3 months, and it was from someone I am pretty sure I don't know. (Be prepared for some really detailed stuff about this stranger's life that might sound really creepy and stalkerish) I went to her blog, and she loves all the greats: Ben Barnes, Star Wars and Twilight. Um, except she likes Jacob and thinks Edward is ugly (?!). And while her review of Prince Caspian looks suspiciously familiar, judging by the fact that she has a science teacher and remembers summer camp, I am guessing that she is at the age where changing words in a sentence totally makes it not plagiarizing. And as Rona said, 'I still do that.' Indeed.
So here's lookin' at you, turtle_moose19. Please don't leave me. And if there is anyone else out there, leave a comment and I swear I'll blogstalk you back. It's what I live for.
Today in Coraline (3D), sitting next to a family:
Dad puts on 3D glasses.
Mom: *snigger* Look at Dad, he looks like a dork!
Child #1: What's a dork?
Mom: It's someone who's socially awkward?
Child #2: What's socially awkward?
Mom: Someone who isn't good with people.
Dad: Like your Uncle Bill.
